I hate you
by Ddriana
Summary: Old story. Not all is like it seems, the friendship of MWPP was falling apart long ago, and the betrayals began earlier than expected. Written pre HP5, so if it goes against canon in more than the obvious, intended ways then I blame that.
1. I hate you

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[A/N: Hrm... well, I'm a sadistic person and I take pleasure in making nice guys bad, and killing people in various ways. So... let the ever so insane Crying Raven present the truth about the Marauders, Sirius point of view. Um... and those hints of slash, they just ended up being there... they were not intended but now I can't remove them. It would be wrong. Not as wrong as you will probably think this story is, but still wrong.** Long live the traitors and the evil ones, down with the good guys**, except Snape, we like Snape (even if he is one of those nasty people who do good things)** *waves Slytherin flag***]

**I hate you**

~ The sun, the moon, the star and the rat ~

I hate you. I truly hate you with all my heart. 

You were always the one who got all the attention. I got some too, but it was nothing compared to you. You outshone us all. You were like the fricking sun. Moony... well Remus didn't want a whole lot attention, naturally. That was just the way he is. But you, James, you were like the god damn sun, no matter what the rest of us did, you always succeeded in doing it better. No matter how brightly we shone, you were always brighter. Heck, I'm even named after a star, but if I was a star, Remus was the moon and you were the sun, where did that leave poor Peter?

Peter adored you, did you know that James? Of course you did, you weren't blind to admiration, you could see the way he looked at you. In that disturbing idolizing way. He would have died for you back in school... God I hated him for it. Why couldn't he see that you were not worthy idolizing. 

You made me Harry's godfather. You told me I was your best friend and that if you ever died you'd want me to take care of your child. That's odd. I don't remember you ever calling me your best friend before. Wasn't that Remus' role?

Now I know that Remus' lycanthropy was the thing that made it impossible to give your son to him. Because of that one night every month. I know you accepted Remus for what he was, we all did because we loved him, but sometimes I wonder if you ever really trusted him. He was your best friend. You knew how hard he's fought all his life to not harm anyone, but still he was not good enough to be Harry's godfather. 

So I got that role. 

I didn't want to be anyone's godfather, especially when it meant that I deprived Moony of something that he deserved. Maybe you didn't see his reaction when you told me you wanted me to shoulder the responsibility, but I did. Damn you James, how could you ever hurt him like that? How could you hurt him like that and not even notice it? Was it not for him we became animagus? Didn't we do everything in our power to help him through the full moons? Yes, James, we did. We did all we could for Moony, because we loved him. At least Peter and I did. I thought you did too. 

As far as letting me into your family goes I'm willing to put my head on that you didn't know what Lily and I did when you weren't home. Pretty, she was, ever so pretty. And she loved her son so dearly. I wouldn't be so sure that she loved you though. Not the way she moaned... You know she suggested that Remus would join us once. 

So much for your loving, caring and innocent wife, James. 

I wanted her. I wanted her bad. There was the thrill of fucking your wife, knowing that I could take everything that was yours if I wanted to, knowing that I could tear your perfect little life apart by just asking your perfect little wife to leave you for me. She would have, you know. Fuck, she even begged me to ask her to leave you, that she would if I just said the words. I didn't. I was happy with knowing how much damage I could do to you if I just wanted. I wanted to, but not bad enough. Not then anyway. 

Remember that weekend trip you made in Dumbledore's service? Remember when you came back she had those bite marks all over her body, and she couldn't really explain where they came from. And you came to us. Peter didn't know. Remus knew. Remus knew very well as a matter of fact. He didn't make them, of course, I did. But he was there too. Well James, we talked you into forget about it, and not ruining your marriage. And I know you let it slide, because of that girl you had met a month or two ago for a night. You didn't ask any more questions, just looked the other way, pretended the bite marks weren't there. That they never had been. Like you always did when it was something you couldn't do anything about. 

Then you took it one step further. It was as if you really did your best to hurt Remus, you know that? Just because he was a werewolf didn't mean he couldn't keep a secret. It didn't mean that he was a follower of You-Know-Who. Yes, he is a dark creature, it would have been in his nature to do so. But he didn't. Until that point he had fought so hard to beat his nature, to do good instead of hurting people. 

How could you even think that Remus, out of all people, would be a Death Eater? He was your best friend. Was. He told Peter how hurt he had been when you made me Harry's godfather. Peter encouraged him to tell me. And he did. And I understood him. I understood how he felt, James, because I knew he wasn't evil by any means, I understood because I paid attention to him when he spilled his guts to me. You know what I told them? I told them that I understood him, and felt the same. 

Then I told them about that tattoo on my arm. 

Remember that James? You laughed that fall when we met at the Hogwarts express to join each other for our seventh year. Remember how you told me I was crazy to get a tattoo? How it was going to be there for the rest of my life. Remember how I just smiled? Well, that tattoo wasn't some average tattoo. My master had given it to me. You never knew. Anyone who wasn't one of the Dark Lord's minions didn't know about that magical tattoo. The Dark Mark. I got my tattoo, together with Snape, Nott, Malfoy, Lestrange, Parkinson, Goyle and all those other obnoxious Slytherins. But he looked at me differently. He let me shine, bright, clear and strong, with no one to exceed me. He was proud over me, you know that, James? He was proud that I dared to join him, to break free from you and my friends. 

I didn't break free from my friends. I broke free from you. From everything you thought I was. And it felt so good to prove you wrong, you know that? To know that no matter what you said about me, you would always be so wrong. 

So you officially made me your secret keeper, but secretly Peter was the real one. It was so fucking hilarious. Everything to avoid You-Know-Who and his followers to touch your precious family. Didn't you know Peter was already a Death Eater? Didn't you know I was the one who brought him to my master? Yes, I brought Remus too. Yes, you were right, Remus wasn't to be trusted. Poor little Moony had gone bad. But you know what, James? It was because you tore his world into pieces, just like that, without even bothering to look at his face a second time. If you had you would have seen how devastated he was. He knew. He knew you didn't trust him. I hope you rot in hell for what you did to him. 

Didn't you know traitors surrounded you? Didn't you know that your own wife would have killed you if I would have asked her to? Fuck James, you were so damn blind. No wonder you were dead meat. 

Then my master told us, all three of us, that he wanted you. He wanted the Potters. James, did you know how happily I told him that I knew who the secret keeper was? Why, he even promised me your wife as a reward. Imagine that, James, your wonderful Lily who I had been screwing for two years. Your pure and innocent wife. A reward. Guess what? I smiled at my master and told him it was Peter. 

Peter Pettigrew. 

Wormtail. 

Your friend. 

Your worshipping friend. 

And do you know what he did? He smiled and said that yes, he was, and that he would gladly help our master. And Remus. I could see the look in his eyes. It was as if he had gotten his revenge for your betrayal. Do you know how good that made me feel?

Then Dumbledore told us that You-Know-Who was after the Potters. After you. He looked at me, sternly. As if he knew how I felt about you. At the first second I thought he did. I think Peter and Remus also thought so, because all of us just sat there in shock. Then the old fool opened his mouth and asked me to be extra careful who I talked to. I nodded. I swore that I wouldn't tell anyone where you and your perfect family were hiding. But even if I had it wouldn't have made a difference. The only thing I could do was tell them that I wasn't the secret keeper, that Peter was. And I had already done that. 

Then he told us that an anonymous supporter of my master had warned him. My first thought? Peter. Peter's first thought? Remus. Remus' first thought? Someone else. Yes, we talked about it. Remus brought it up. Peter, that filthy rat, admitted that he had thought it was Remus. I could see Moony's heart break. Again. And I started to hate Peter, stronger than ever before. 

Then Peter showed the Dark Lord to your hide out, broke the spell, betrayed his idol. I was with Remus, since it was full moon. I didn't leave until he had transformed back to human again and safely gone to bed. Then I came to the ruins of the house. I realized that something was wrong. So I took out my wand, ready to blow you and Peter into tiny little pieces, when I heard a child's cry. 

I went in, found you dead. Why James, that look of terror and that pale tone really suited you. Shame you never found out it was I who was the reason you were dead. Shame you never found out what I really did to your wife, your friends, and to you. I would have loved the expression on your face. I passed you, after giving you a kick in he side, and I found Lily, dead too. 

Not that I cared. 

What good would she really be when you were dead? The kick of it all would be gone. Remus might have liked her, but she'd hurt him. And then I'd been forced to hurt her even worse. Secretly I was glad she was dead. Then I found Harry. Crying and bleeding, but not dead. 

I still don't know what made me do it, but I picked him up and did my best to comfort him, to stop the blood. Maybe because he was just a baby, maybe because I was his godfather after all, maybe because it was the responsible and right thing to do. I don't know. 

Hagrid came soon after and I quickly took the role of your friend again, James. The fool believed me, if it was the fake tears or how I really tried to keep Harry I don't know, nor do I care. My master had wanted the Potters dead, I was going to fulfill his wish and keep the child until my master had returned. I knew he would want to kill Harry himself. I ended up giving in and giving Hagrid your son, not wanting to be thought of as the reason to why you and Lily were dead, I was after all officially the secret keeper. 

So I planned on framing Peter. He was after all the real secret keeper, and I told Remus this when he woke up. I told him all about what I had seen, what must have happened. 

Together we might be able to succeed in saving me from Azkaban, alone nobody would believe me since everyone thought I was the secret keeper, nobody would believe him in anything if he didn't have someone to back him up because he was a werewolf. So we started to plot how we were going to peruse those people, who I wanted dead more than anything for looking at Moony like that, that I was innocent, and we started to plot against Peter. 

Unfortunately that same rat was plotting against me at that very moment. 


	2. The dark side of the moon

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[A/N: Second part! I made a second part! *faints in amazement* *wakes up again* 'I hate you 2' *giggles about the double meaning of that* *smacks self* I probably ruined it, but :p That's how much I care, because Remus wouldn't leave me alone until I started this, then I felt guilty for leaving it and finished it. Now, about a month later, I publish it. This time it's Remus' point of view, it is taking place in the summer before PoA, this is milder though... shame. I just can't see Remus as bitter as Sirius. More slashy though. Part 3 might be coming... it depends on Sirius, he wants another part but can't find the right words to give me just yet. I don't know, maybe even James, Peter and Lily might add to it in the end. Peter is thinking about it. ***waves Slytherin flag* You just wait, the evil will take over and all you little people will beg for your pitiful lives to join the Dark side *MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*** *cough* *innocent smile*]

**The dark side of the moon**

~ The sun, the moon, the star and the rat ~

Did I remember to tell you that I love you? It was so long ago now, I can't remember clearly anymore. I think I did. I hope I did. I wish I did. 

It was so hard to go on after they put you in Azkaban. I just wanted to die then, I wanted to die for years after. I still do. 

But you are still alive, somehow. They even say that you are sane. I don't know how you manage, and I hope you don't know that I suffer all the same. Every night I go through what went wrong in my head, and every night I hate myself even more for what I am. For not being able to help you. God knows I tried Sirius, I tried. 

For a while I even considered turning myself in, so that I'd at least be closer to you. I didn't. I went through the laws again, and realized that I wouldn't be any help for you if I did. As a werewolf I wouldn't be thrown into Azkaban for being a follower of Voldemort, I would have received a Dementor's kiss and then been executed. Of course. I should have known. 

So instead suicide was just a moment away day after day, month after month, full moon after full moon, year after year. Twelve years is a long time, Sirius, but you know that. You know that as well as I do. 

At least my life had a meaning the last year. Our master has risen again, as you said he would, sitting on my bed looking like the saddest angel to ever grace this world that morning. That dreaded morning. Did I tell you that I loved you? Why can't I remember?

Dumbledore contacted me, asking me if I could do him a favor. I said yes, not wanting to let him know where my loyalty lies. I'm going to teach defense against the dark arts now. 

Voldemort is pleased, very pleased as a matter of fact. Lucius Malfoy has so far made sure that no competent has ever taught that subject, but now he has been kicked from the school board. And now it's my turn to take the job. 

I've got orders to not teach them too much, nothing that could help them fight my master, and I didn't plan anything else for them to be honest. I'm just going to make a living and serve my lord at the same time, while waiting for you. He promised me that he'd get you out of there, that he got someone working on it, keeping you less guarded so you could try to escape. He can't help you off the island, he is too weak yet, but he can let you try. 

You are my reward like Lily was supposed to be yours. 

Silly girl she was. Double crossing, cheating, naive, gullible and vain in one mix. So much for being a Gryffindor. The only Gryffindor like thing she ever did was dying for her son. For Harry. 

Harry is there. Starting his third year. Voldemort wants me to keep an eye on the boy while he is growing stronger. I wouldn't want it any other way. He is your godson, Sirius, should have been mine, but I've got over that now. Now that James is dead. Finally. He deserved what he got, I just wish he knew who really betrayed him, and I know you do too, Sirius. 

I still miss you though. Especially around the full moon when my need of a pack is at its strongest. I even miss James and Peter then. But it's not the same, far from the same. I just miss them because when they were there, so were you. And we were together, all four of us. The Marauders. Now it's just you and me left Sirius, just Moony and Padfoot. 

At least I don't tear myself into pieces now. They finally got a success with their research on the wolfsbane, it can be made into a potion, it doesn't stop me from transforming but it helps keeping me sane. Like you used to do. I wonder if you know. You probably don't, you probably think that I'm still biting my self under the influence of the moon. 

Sometimes I do bite myself anyway, just to make sure that I am still alive. The dull ache reminds me of how it used to be, before everything came tumbling down, and you were ripped away from me. 

I miss the way you helped me to bed after the change, how you always made me feel safe, without the threat of the people who don't understand. 

People fear what they don't understand. Not everyone understand werewolves, few understand us as a matter of fact. Though you were one of the few who did understand, who didn't fear us, who didn't hate us for what we couldn't help being. I remember how you said you were going to change all the rules that we had to obey that humans didn't, that one day you would make everything alright and make everyone understand. Sweet words, lovely words, the words of a dreamer. And I wanted to believe them so badly. I didn't doubt your motive, Sirius, I never doubted you, it was the people who you wanted to change who I doubted. 

Now look where they put you. They don't even know half of the truth but you are in Azkaban all the same. No trial. You didn't even get a trial. 

I wish it would have been me in there. I know I would have been executed rather than put in Azkaban for life, I know, but I would rather have been there instead of you. I have no life to live, I was doomed to be shunned around since that night I got bitten. I so wanted to believe you when you said that you would change it all for me, for all werewolves. You knew me inside out, I never bothered to hide anything from you since the day you found out I was a werewolf, I didn't want to hide anything from you. 

I still believe, you know. I believed you then, and I believe you now. You'll come to me, you'll find your way out and find me. Just like you promised all those years ago. 

[A/N: Normally I keep my response to reviews on my homepage The Hellhole but umm... well I felt like responding to a couple of people here where they might actually find it :) :

**Katy713**: I did believe the Shrieking Shack scene, but when I re-read a myth about the goddess Artemis (A guy saw her naked when she was taking a bath (or said he was a better hunter than her), she turned him into a deer and he ended up being torn to shreds by his own dogs.) this came to me. The dogs became Sirius and Remus, the deer became, obviously, James. 

**Aurora**: I know most people prefer the innocent and generally nice Sirius, but I don't think that we should forget the prank he played on Snape when they were in school. Even though they hated each other that was *way* too much, and it gives me the impression that Sirius doesn't have much respect for the living. He isn't a good guy all the way through...

Now, there is that pretty little box down there, screaming for you to write something in it...]


	3. Fallen star

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[A/N: Sirius gets his second chapter. Aren't you all happy and stuff? No? Too bad. I have come to like evil-Sirius better than book-Sirius, but that's just the way I am. I always take the side of the bad guy', because we all know that he is the real good guy, you just have to look at things his way to see it *hugs Tom and nods* ~ Crying Raven, member of Bad Guy Lover's Club]

**Fallen star**

~ The sun, the moon, the star and the rat ~

The boy winces in pain, but keeps staring at me when I turn back to human. 

I wonder if he knew I aimed for Harry, aimed to tear his throat when I for a short moment mistook him for James. They are so alike too alike. 

I believe I broke this boy's leg, I must have. I could hear the bone crack between my teeth and the sweet blood tingling in my mouth. For a short moment I knew how that werewolf felt when he attacked you, Moony, but I won't ever let you feel the shameful pleasure. I fear it would darken your soul beyond return. 

I don't care about this child, but he has done nothing to us yet so I'm not going to kill him unless it is necessary. 

The door open and I see them. Harry and some girl. She is not the important one, far from it. She's just as important as the redheaded boy is and if I have to I will kill her too. But Harry, at the sight of him I take my role Do you still remember what we agreed on, Remus?

You walk through the door and Ah, yes, you were the best actor I have ever seen. 

Life hasn't been treating you too good I see. You're far too skinny, you have grey hair already, but your eyes smile to me. Your beautiful eyes can still smile, never changing and always so wonderful to see. You remember. Yes, you remember our lies, our broken promises and our mind games, played on everyone but each other. All the strings we pulled and the buttons we learned to push. 

A sinister game where we were in control. 

I'll kill that filthy rat for what he did to you. Left you all alone like that, all alone in the world full of people who hated you for being a victim. You were the victim of that werewolf, and Moony, if I could make it undone I would have. Anything to spare you pain. You kept me sane, as sane as you can be after Azkaban that is. But it was you and Peter. I wanted out to be there for you and out so I could tear Peter into pieces for stopping us from continuing our wicked game, for separating us. When I got out I remembered something else. 

Cries. Sobbing. Blood flowing from a cut on a small baby's forehead. 

James bloody son. 

Oh, Remus, you have seen his eyes, Lily's eyes. Isn't that precious? Lily Evans. Lily Potter. The late Lily Potter.   
Remember the fun we had with her? I do. 

I'd like to play with him too when he grows older James' son. He'd be crying out in his grave if only he knew who he left in charge of his only child. With his living clone. 

I know what you'd say, love, I know. He's just a child, he can't be blamed for what James did, can't be blamed for the fall of our master, can't be blamed at all. You are right, but wrong. Back then he couldn't be blamed, he was just a year old, loud little thing too, always screaming in the middle of the night, but now I hear he's fought off our master twice more. He can be blamed. He deserves to be blamed. And when my name is cleared, when they have bought our lies and Peter is in that hellhole on earth, then I'll get my revenge. 

He believes, Moony, he believes what we tell him. He is so willing to believe, so willing to get away from Lily's relatives that controlling him will be easy. 

Another James, indeed. 

Another black haired boy to feed full of lies and to manipulate until our lord got time for him. Another mudblood girl who will share Lily's fate for ever thinking such horrible thoughts about you, another boy full of hate towards your kind who will find himself falling. I'll corrupt him the way I got to Peter, and I will make sure that he doesn't understand enough to know when to run. 

In time, Moony, in time. I'll make sure of that. I'll make them feel every single piece of agony you have ever gone through, and then some, before ending their pitiful lives in a way that pleases me. 

This time around I will make it clear who were the traitor. This time around I will lead the Dark Lord to them myself. The potion will keep you sane, so you won't need me there with you, even if it is to prefer. But you see, you can't be seen there, they'll jump to conclusions. They'll think it was you, and you know what some people would do to a werewolf if given a hint of a reason. I wouldn't be able to bare that. 

All we need is pick up the game. I play my role and you play yours, just like we did before. You will heal my wounds and I will heal yours, just like we always did. No one will ever know, no one will ever know the truth behind all our lies. 

They never did. 


End file.
